For the past few months I’ve been finalizing Restitution for its release. The journey has required me to go back time and time again and re-live the most painful parts of my past, to re-craft sentences, to stand in those moments as young girl. It has been painful to the point of almost breaking down. Caught between what was and what is now … so many losses. So much I could regret. Losing my first born child, the years I spent on the streets as a young pregnant teenager … the years I lived so broken as a victim of childhood sexual abuse; the years I became my own abuser. Tears that won’t stop falling into rivers of memories that I wish were hazier than they are.
Writing this Based on a True Story Novel has been therapy to my soul. That little girl I had to once leave behind in order to survive … she was there when I had the courage to go back and find her. Oh, she was so broken and sad.
The novel is going to be released in the next 24 hours and the moment the approval occurred I suddenly, without warning, felt stripped of all my clothes and felt forced out onto the streets. “Now, everyone will know,” The voices said. The secrets will be revealed. The screams will be heard. They will all see you standing; vulnerable in the demons of your past.
I cry back … “But there is hope. It’s the hope that they will see.” I pray.
Have you ever written something from the deepest depths of your soul, stripped the beasts down to their skeletons and danced them out for all to see and wondered, just even for that slight moment before you hit publish …. will this matter? Will this mean something?
My prayer for the next few months …. that nothing; Nothing, is in vain.
Restitution: Coming Soon.